How my four-year-old helps me practice good communication

The other day, I picked up my four-year-old son from his pre-school and as we were driving out of the parking lot, he asked why he had to be buckled into his carseat. I explained that we all have to wear seatbelts. They keep us safe, and besides, those are the rules. (I’d been talking about rules a lot lately. At four, he’s pretty interested in how to push boundaries so I try to give him some clear parameters.)

He replied, “Mom, what are rules?”

That’s a great question. How do I explain rules to a four-year-old? I had to think quickly so I could give my son a concrete example of this abstract idea. I needed to break down this more difficult concept for him — a concept I knew well and didn’t have to really think about most of the time. After all these years, I just know what rules are. I needed to make the idea of rules more tangible to help him understand. I needed to appeal more to his five senses.

I told him that rules are ways we need to act [things we need to do] to keep us safe. Just like we wash our hands to keep from getting sick, we wear our seatbelts to keep from getting hurt in the car.

My son has lots of questions about life these days and some of them are not easy. Where does God live? How does the sun move? What are mentors?

I like these questions though. For one, I love that my son questions everything because it shows me clearly how interested he is in the world, and his questions remind me that I am his best teacher. But also, answering my four-year-old’s questions about life is good practice for good communication. It’s important that I break down ideas that are complex for him into more concrete terms — exactly what you should do when helping an audience understand your idea. Even if you think the audience knows the big words or concepts related to the idea you are sharing, it’s important to walk them through. If they have to recall a definition on their own, then they are no longer listening to your next point. Plus, it’s best not to leave anyone behind in case there are some more novice listeners.

As Chip and Dan Heath say in their book Made to Stick, “Abstraction is the luxury of the expert” (p. 104). Everyone understands concrete, but you can’t be sure everyone understands something more abstract or advanced.

Unfortunately, remembering to clearly explain abstract concepts in communication can be tough. It’s hard to remember what it’s like to not know the things we now know well.

It’s hard to remember what it’s like to not know what rules are.

So I’ll keep tackling those hard questions and know that I’m helping my son and practicing my craft. Thanks, son. I’m learning as much from you as you are from me.